Saturday, July 4, 2015

When I see you again

So most of you already know me, but recently we have had a jump in likes and followers on social media. Recently most of you have seen me working either on Radio/TV shows regarding makeup, makeup tutorials, or even paranormal. But it all started a few years ago.

I was lucky enough to be cast in 2011 for a paranormal series with Zak Bagans, called Paranormal Challenge. Everything kind of kept spinning since then. It hasn't stopped, and paranormal is still my #1 love. 

I have been really bad about updating this blog, and this is where I started- this is my roots, so I am trying to re-ground myself. Ghost Girl Diaries is still doing an unbelieveable job on social media and I love all of you for your input and messages you send us everyday, if its Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram I read all of them! 

We recently hired a new investigator. I haven't had the best luck with people we have hired. Mostly because they think insta fame, and they are in it for all the wrong reasons. Luckily we have an amazing girl named Kenzie (@GhostGirlKenzie on Twitter, Follow her!) We are still looking for a tech guy. I have flown all over the states trying to get this show signed as a series. It just isn't something that is handed to you. I have also had to learn how to do pitches, and presentations when it comes to me meeting with other executive producers. I have learned so much, and I also figured out that if you own your own business you better know everything, even the things you didn't think you needed to know. Mainly because you want to make sure that people are doing their job right. I am happy to say that I am fairly business savvy. I just keep an open mind and continue to learn. So far my dreams def pay the bills and then some so always follow your heart! Changing Gears for a the rest of this entry:

This is a paranormal blog, but sometimes I talk about things that are close to my heart or recent events I went through. I just lost a really close friend yesterday. So I feel like I need to write him a letter on here. Being a paranormal expert, and a firm believer- I know he is out there somewhere and he will read this in cyber land. His suicide also really opened my eyes to a lot of things in the last 24 hours. So do you mind as my readers listening to a tribute for my friend? It is my writing, which means there isn't any rules. It may not be how you would right a personal letter- but if you have been following me- you know that I make up my own rules. I am honest and raw and real. So here goes. 

To my Dearest Christian J. Ingman.
I sort of don't know where to start. Our history goes so far back. For me, my memory- is remembering seeing this skater kid with long blonde hair we were maybe 12 or 13. It was 7th grade. You tried to have this "cool tuff" personification. For some reason I could see right through you. Honestly like you were full of shit. Maybe thats why we got along so well. We could tell each other how it was- honestly. I remember I was still intimidated to come up to you and talk to you. Finally one day I saw at school you were on crutches. I think you had broken your leg.  You had no one to take you home and it was far- when your limping on crutches. My mom saw you. She had no idea who you were but she insisted we stop to offer you a ride. I was embarrassed. She didn't know how intimidating you were to all of the girls. We took you home and it was weird. You were no nice, and your eyes spoke and you didn't even have to say a word. Looking back now it was like your eyes told a deeper story then you ever would let anyone in. There was an immediate friendship that started to blossom.

All of the sudden I was friends with Christian and everyone wanted to be friends with me. Thats when Milo, and Lindie, and Amber- all got involved. We became this tight nit group of friends that spent every living minute together. Except most of our friends didn't realize you practically lived at my house. Most nights you didn't leave until 10 or later. Luckily your dad really liked me. I remember one time he told me I was the only person he trusted with you because otherwise you would be a hellion. We were innocent kids- but we both know we truly cared about each other underneath it all. You know you might be gone now- but I didn't get to ever tell you about all the times you pissed me off. Like the time you came to Homecoming with me, and you were only interested in all of our friends instead of spending time with me. I was so mad at you- and then Kit started dancing with me and you got so jealous. Then you spilled red punch all over your new white outfit and you were so mad like it was my fault. I hurt your feelings so bad for dancing with another guy you made a pact with Milo to never talk to me again. Your brother Ian picked me up from the dance that night. You had left me alone. Ian stayed with me that night just because I cried about you for hours. I think we were just young, didn't know what love was and we were so immature. Thinking back now its so funny. We were just kids. Such beautiful memories. I mean we dated for like 2-3 years. In middle school/high school time thats like forever.

We lost touch for a few years. I remember you found me on Myspace. You had moved to Oregon for a while, and you had just moved back. Now in our 20's- we thought we could for sure make a relationship out of this. We were back to hanging out every night. I remember days you wouldn't even go to work and you would stay at my house and we would watch movies or cook. It was like having a second youth with you. I think we were both too scared to say we loved each other. I remember asking you if we were friends or a couple. You never answered, you just said you liked things how they were and you didn't want to mess it up.

I kind of got fed up with waiting around for you. I wanted a title (typical girl). I started dating that drummer Joe, do you remember him? Joe had a concert in Denver and you said you wanted to go with me. I asked you if you were sure if you could handle it. You said, ya I mean we aren't together. That was a bad idea, because when you saw me with Joe at his concert you flipped your lid. I remember we got into this huge fight. You ended up walking home from Denver that night. I tried to get you back in the car and you refused. You were terrible at expressing your opinions. Maybe if you would have just talked to me about how you felt I would have waited for you. It was like we could talk about everything and be together for days, but you could never tell me that you loved me. That still pisses me off. In fact I am crying right now. I just think it's only fair that I call you out on your shit, because you always did that to me.

I feel like for years we were on and off. Growing older becoming strictly friends. I was always here for you. I thought that you knew that. But I knew you always felt a bit empty. You know I was one person you couldn't lie to. And even if you didn't tell me the truth, your eyes would.

I don't know why you did it. We both know you always had dark thoughts. I am so sorry you couldn't fight it, and you finally can say you no longer have the world on your shoulders.

So weird- my ipod is on shuffle right now. And "See you again" by Wiz Khalifa. Maybe its you here. I will see you again. Thats my answer to you.

I know you were in my house last night. I couldn't sleep. I knew something was wrong. And when Milo called me today and told me what you had done, I collapsed. In fact I feel bad for Milo, because he was on the phone with me when I lost it. I had so many messages and calls today. All of our friends said when they heard what happened they needed to call me. They said they can't remember you being somewhere without me and vise verse. (See you again is still playing, and I think I won't be able to write until its over).

You are so loved. You weren't alone. My house and doors were always open to you. I tell you what, next life lets not go so in and out of each others life. I talked to your dad today a few times. He is pretty broken. He loves you a lot. I wish you were around right now so I could scream at you for what you have done. I have known you for so many years, I am allowed to be mad at you.

I can't say goodbye. I mean figuratively and literately. I work in the paranormal industry. I have not only done my own work, and been on television for it but I have been a paid producer for this industry. I know this isn't the end, because I have proven it. It's just goodbye for now- which is bullshit. I shouldn't have to say goodbye for now. I should be able to call you tomorrow. But after your energy was in my house last night, I am assuming you will always know how to get a hold of me. And I will always be here. Even if and when you need me on the other-side.

I broke out all of our old music earlier that we used to listen to. Like Limp Bizket, and Korn, Orgy, Eminem, even Blink 182. Every time I hear them, I will think of you.

Look just do me a favor. Don't give everyone such a hard time up in heaven. I know your a spitfire, but you know- I always told you that you get further not playing pranks. You always said, "but thats no fun." I can still hear your laugh. Just don't forget me, k? I'll be at your memorial. Milo and Courtney are supposed to go with me. Milo was pretty upset too.

I won't end this the way letters are supposed to sound when they're over. I don't even know how to end this honestly. Maybe with some lyrics to one of your favorite songs...

Yo, I can't sing but
I feel like singin'
I wanna fuckin' sing
'Cause I'm happy

Yeah, I'm happy
Ha Ha
I got my baby back
Yo, check it out

Some days I sit starin' out the window
Watchin' this world pass me by
Sometimes I think there's nothin' to live for
I almost break down and cry

Sometimes I think I'm crazy
I'm crazy, oh, so crazy
Why am I here, am I just wasting my time?

But when I see my baby
Suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes

Sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leanin' on me
'Cause sometimes it feels like the world's almost over
But then she comes back to me

My baby girl [Hailie laughs] keeps gettin' older
I watch her grow up with pride
People make jokes 'cause they don't understand me
They just don't see my real side

I act like shit don't phase me,
Inside it drives me crazy
My insecurities could eat me alive

But when I see my baby
Suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes, oh, no.

Sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leanin' on me
'Cause sometimes it feels like the world's almost over
But then she comes back to me

Man, if I could sing, I'd keep singing this song to my daughter
If I could hit the notes, I'd blow something as long as my father
To show her how I feel about her, how proud I am that I got her
God, I'm a daddy, I'm so glad that her mum didn't 
 Now you probably get this picture from my public persona
That I'm a pistol-packing drug-addict who bags on his momma,
But I wanna just take this time out to be perfectly honest
'Cause there's a lot of shit I keep bottled that hurts deep inside o' my soul,
And just know that I grow colder the older I grow
This boulder on my shoulder gets heavy and harder to hold
And this load is like the weight of the world
And I think my neck is breaking.
Should I just give up or try to live up to these expectations?
Now look, I love my daughter more than life in itself,
But I got a wife that's determined to make my life livin' hell
But I handle it well, given the circumstances I'm dealt
So many chances, man, it's too bad, could've had someone else
But the years that I've wasted are nothing to the tears that I've tasted
So here's what I'm facin':
3 felonies, 6 years of probation
I've went to jail for this woman,
I've been to bat for this woman
I've taken bats to people's backs, bent over backwards for this woman
Man, I should've seen it comin', what'd I stick my up in?
Would've ripped the pre-nup up if I'd seen what she was fuckin'
But fuck it, it's over, there's no more reason to cry no more
I got my baby, baby the only lady that I adore, Hailie
So sayonara, try tomorrow, nice to know ya
My baby's travelled back to the arms of her rightful owner
And suddenly it seems that my shoulder blades have just shifted
It's like the greatest gift you can get
The weight has been lifted

Now it don't feel like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leanin' on me
'Cause my baby knows that her daddy's a soldier
Nothin' can take her from me

I told you I can't sing.
Oh well, I tried
Hailie, 'member when I said
If you ever need anything, daddy will be right there?
Well guess what?
Daddy's here.
And I ain't goin' nowhere baby
I love you!

I love you Christian. May your mind and body finally Rest in Peace

 It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

In memory of Christian J. Ingman

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